I just need to get organized

I just need to get organized… That’s all! If I can just clear my head and think of one thing at a time, I think I’ll be able to manage it.

First, I need to get another job, with two jobs, I should be able to afford to pay for my parents divorce and have enough left over to buy a new dress and shoes for my friend’s wedding in September.

Second, I need to write my statement of purpose already! It’s been weeks and I’m running out of time!

Third, I need to send some things to my professors so they can start writing my recommendation letters for my PhD applications in September.

Fourth, I need to figure out exactly how much money I need for my PhD applications, so that K. can pay for it and I can pay him back.

Fifth, I need to register for the GRE and start studying.

Sixth, I need to catch up on my Spanish and Russian and start German and Mandarin.

Seventh, I need to start reading all the books on IR and finish most of them by April or May depending on when/ if I’ll be accepted anywhere… What if I don’t get in anywhere… Oh Zeus….

Eight, I need to start working out, so that by D’s wedding, if I have to wear a towel dress, at least I’ll look great! Read More


The first day of the rest of my life…for the 117th time

I had set the alarm at 5:00 a.m. My mother was coming back to the house and I wanted to clean up a bit to avoid the ‘look at this mess” lecture with the extended version of “I just can’t leave you alone” but it was the third day of October, and the weather was just that perfect blend of autumn and summer. I turned off my alarm and stared at the ceiling. My mind was already dissecting every single detail of what I had to do during my day: clean the house, feed the dogs, look up PhD programs so I can start applying before it’s too late-should I even apply?-, I also have to go to work and finish those papers before the day is out, so I can’t skip work, plus i’m getting paid and should pay my credit card bills, then I have to go to the airport to drop off mom’s boyfriend, then get the car back to the car rental place before 7…and then i’ll explode into a million tiny pieces… There was nothing I wanted more than to go back to sleep at this point. But it was too late, what sleep had buried, the morning had dug up and it was time to face the day. Today though, would be different.

My friend and I decided to run in the marathon in November, exactly 41 days from today. That’s six weeks that I could spend wallowing and wasting my time watching series over and over again, or time I could spend getting my shit together. my time had come, and today, would be the first day of the rest of my life… for the 117th time. Yes, I was starting over almost everyday with the same speech that now sounded like a mantra: “You can do this. You are 23 years old. Do you really want to die having accomplished nothing?! Focus M.! No more coffee till you lose the pooch, you will run everyday, you will start saving money so you are not broke all the time. You are going to stop watching series and study! It’s your final masters’ year woman! Do it”, after that inspiring speech, I would usually download all the inspiring images to motivate me to work out, change my wallpapers and download a new playlist. for the past 3 years, this was my daily, weekly, monthly routine, and it was time to stop.

So I got up, looked in the mirror, chanted my mantra, fed the dogs and rushed off to work. I got there 6 minutes late-though I live only 20 minutes away I can’t seem to make it on time for some reason-and went straight to by best friends desk. She worked in a different department, but we never missed our morning chats, which were about nothing and everything at the same time. Once that was done, I had to go back to my cubicle and start working,though as you can read, I am writing this chapter at work, right now, instead of working! My coffee headache was starting to kick in. My body craved for the bittersweet taste of grounded coffee beans, melted into boiling water. The smell alone took me away from this desk, this country, even myself… But today was going to be different, so I made tea.

I Can’t Find My Glasses.

– Damn it! I couldn’t find them anywhere and now everything I look at seems out of focus and blurry. I never realized how blind I was till I lost my eyeglasses. I think I left them at home… though I distinctly remember putting them in my purse before leaving, just in case I had to drive us back. Where the hell could they have gone?! God I hope I find them, I really can’t afford to pay for these right now, not on top of everything I have to pay for this month… As these thoughts ran through my head, I found myself sitting at the desk, in the office drinking my coffee, my fingers aimlessly wandering about the keyboard as though lost in their own thoughts… I wonder what they’re missing…

Last night was strange to say the least. Matt had had plans to go out with Alec and I was doing my best to repress how angry that made me. I was all set to spend the night on the couch rewatching for the millionth time episodes of FRIENDS, when who should call but my beloved. Matt was inviting me to go out to dinner with him, Alec and his wife. So I took off my cozy shirt and put on a dress, put on some make up and, because I knew Matt would be late, I made some coffee. It was already 9:00p.m and I was falling asleep.I shouldn’t have coffee anymore… I always say these things to myself hoping that someday they’ll stick. Stupid Anthony Robbins and his stupid squares and the… I should probably take my glasses with me, just in case Matty is too tired to drive on the way back. As I was putting my glasses in my purse, Matt called. He was here.

For the past few months, Matt had been talking about finding his own place, and I was happy that he was getting some independence. In Lebanon, it’s not very common for the child to leave the house, except  when they are married, and even then they move near their parents. So this was really huge for him. The problem was finding a place, rent was really high, especially if you wanted a nice place, and Matt, though financially comfortable, still had a considerable amount to pay. He had told me that he found a small one bedroom apartment near the highway, it was a little expensive, but this was the price range.  Even though he was sharing this information with me, I had been with him for 5 years now, and I knew him well enough to know that he would do anything he wanted to do, no matter what I said. But I didn’t want to be negative, so I gave advice as though it would be useful.

When I got into the car with Matt and he was extra loving and sweet, I knew, he rented it. He always liked to surprise me with things, like with the dogs and the car and… I hate surprises, and he keeps surprising me. Of course, I was happy that he finally found a place and seemed to like it, but for the brief moment, right after he told me, I was scared. Matt lived 10 minutes away from my house and now he was moving away. This would change things… Dinner was pleasant, I smoked and drank, though I never smoke and swore I wouldn’t drink. But this whole Matt moving into a quasi bachelor pad really bugged me.

The next day was a Monday and I had work, I woke up with a hint of hangover and a sore throat, looked through the clothes scattered on my bed and as I was late, hurried out of the house. I looked everywhere for my glasses and couldn’t find them, I didn’t have time for this. I just left. I got to the office, my headache already settling in. Everything I saw was blurry, the hangover, the lingering tast of chicha in my mouth, the move, everything, it was overhweling and it all bubbled up into me being angry. Angry on a Monday, great now my whole week is ruined! Where the fuck are my glasses? They weren’t in my purse and I took a different one today… I should send this e-mail…are they in my car? . It was 7:00a.m now, I’d have to wait till at least 9:00a.m to call mom and ask her to look for them, and who knows if she finds them?! My hand slipped into my purse looking for some Advil, when suddenely, I felt something… the glasses.



Share your story here… these are the words that I’ve been staring at for the past hour trying to figure out whether I should or should not go through with this blog… for the 10th time! I have done and redone this blog over and over so many times its broken. Every few months I get excited and I write, and then I get discouraged. I reread my posts and think what the fuck did I just write?! 

This time I think will stick, like my diet (gulp). I woke up today with a hangover and as I got up at 6 a.m to get dressed and go to work, I suddenly found myself standing in front of my worst enemy: my own self. My reflection was…disappointing. I was so upset and for these few seconds that I was confounded by my own image, all of the negative thoughts that had been building in my head for the past decade culminated into one question: “what if this is it?” What if life as I know it will always be me as I am now?! I could feel my throat closing up. I did not like what I saw. I have to change something in my life, it’s imperative, it’s necessary. I just have to. 

In a way this blog is me doing that.Perhaps what I share will lead to something bigger or perhaps not, what matters is that at least I’m getting off of my ass and trying. I have to try, with my driving I’ll probably die soon and I want to leave something other than my crumpled socks behind. So here goes, oh also most shared images are actually art pieces that my mother draws and paints herself, so I hope you’ll enjoy them along with the reading.