The first day of the rest of my life…for the 117th time

I had set the alarm at 5:00 a.m. My mother was coming back to the house and I wanted to clean up a bit to avoid the ‘look at this mess” lecture with the extended version of “I just can’t leave you alone” but it was the third day of October, and the weather was just that perfect blend of autumn and summer. I turned off my alarm and stared at the ceiling. My mind was already dissecting every single detail of what I had to do during my day: clean the house, feed the dogs, look up PhD programs so I can start applying before it’s too late-should I even apply?-, I also have to go to work and finish those papers before the day is out, so I can’t skip work, plus i’m getting paid and should pay my credit card bills, then I have to go to the airport to drop off mom’s boyfriend, then get the car back to the car rental place before 7…and then i’ll explode into a million tiny pieces… There was nothing I wanted more than to go back to sleep at this point. But it was too late, what sleep had buried, the morning had dug up and it was time to face the day. Today though, would be different.

My friend and I decided to run in the marathon in November, exactly 41 days from today. That’s six weeks that I could spend wallowing and wasting my time watching series over and over again, or time I could spend getting my shit together. my time had come, and today, would be the first day of the rest of my life… for the 117th time. Yes, I was starting over almost everyday with the same speech that now sounded like a mantra: “You can do this. You are 23 years old. Do you really want to die having accomplished nothing?! Focus M.! No more coffee till you lose the pooch, you will run everyday, you will start saving money so you are not broke all the time. You are going to stop watching series and study! It’s your final masters’ year woman! Do it”, after that inspiring speech, I would usually download all the inspiring images to motivate me to work out, change my wallpapers and download a new playlist. for the past 3 years, this was my daily, weekly, monthly routine, and it was time to stop.

So I got up, looked in the mirror, chanted my mantra, fed the dogs and rushed off to work. I got there 6 minutes late-though I live only 20 minutes away I can’t seem to make it on time for some reason-and went straight to by best friends desk. She worked in a different department, but we never missed our morning chats, which were about nothing and everything at the same time. Once that was done, I had to go back to my cubicle and start working,though as you can read, I am writing this chapter at work, right now, instead of working! My coffee headache was starting to kick in. My body craved for the bittersweet taste of grounded coffee beans, melted into boiling water. The smell alone took me away from this desk, this country, even myself… But today was going to be different, so I made tea.

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