My birthday is on Saturday. I never liked my birthday. I never liked celebrating it. For the past six years, on every birthday, I have wished to be better. But for the past six years, I have also been lazy. Everyday, I go to work, and I am disappointed. I am disappointed about where I am, about what I am doing, about who I am. Everyday, I wake up, look in the mirror and promise myself that this day will be the first day of the rest of my life. I make a plan to work out, to read, to become this “pinterest” girl. Three days later, I’m gulping down a bag of salt and vinegar chips while watching FRIENDS for the hundredth time, and thinking about what might have been. I feel as though I am two people; one is this irresponsible, constantly eating, panicking about being pregnant, unmotivated person, the other is smart, motivated, organized, efficient, and dedicated to becoming a better version of herself every day. Though I wake up with the second version, I end the day with the first. Even writing this post has taken me two days… Two days to write a few honest lines.
I came upon an image recently; it was a graph of sorts, and it stated the various reasons why one might not be accomplishing one’s goals. The first reason was laziness. I am lazy. There’s no other word for it. I am ashamed of my laziness, and yet somehow, I cannot help myself. I come back home after a long day at work and all I want to do is sit on the couch, not think about my weight, my proposal which hasn’t been written yet, the applications I haven’t yet sent, none of that. I just want to sit on the couch and watch familiar series where I know all the events that are going to happen because I cannot fathom the unpredictable. I am scared of the unpredictable for it has always been cruel.
However, I also cannot stay as I am. I just can’t. I am neither responsible nore irresponsible, neither fat nor thin, neither smart nor dumb, I am grey. So I have decided to change. For the first time in my adult life, I will not write a plan that I will not follow, a plan I only write to convince myself that I am this organized person. i will not make a checklist, set reminders, buy a new notebook, so I can relate this new begining to a literal clean page, or do any of the things I have been doing for the past six years. This time, I will take it day by day. I will resist the temptation to plan ahead for the next 15 years, I will simply work on making myself love what I see, and what I do. I will attemtpt to embrace the unpredictable.